An Open Letter...to all moms

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I originally wrote this on a friend’s FB wall a few months ago, in response to a woman who attacked her for being excited about cloth diapering prior to giving birth to her first.  Yes…as in, attacked her for personal excitement over her personal decision- not for trying to bang it in that’s the best route for every baby.  She was criticized as being naïve and told that she’d “see” soon enough.  That it’s easy to think you know what you’re going to do beforehand….but when reality hits- bwahaha…better watch out, because mothering is awful!  I’ve seen that attitude a lot; I’ve encountered it first-hand a lot of times through my journey…and it drives me nuts.  Seeing a young and energetic friend so degraded for her joyful anticipation drove me to my limit. 

I finally addressed the attitude head-on, and after an evening of praying and writing…this is what I came up with.  I thought I’d share it here, because really, it’s an open letter to all mothers.  It’s to all the new moms who don’t know what they have ahead….to all the seasoned moms who feel it’s necessary to give other moms an education…to the judgemental moms, and to the judged.  It’s for all of us, because when all’s said and done….we’re all moms.  And I’m pretty sure that matters a lot more than a lot of other things.

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I have no desire to degrade your decision- or you as a mom.  The thing is, as a young mom myself, I've been so frustrated by all the people that feel the need to tell me- and other moms- what "reality" is.  In the name of "reality" all I hear, all the time, is negativism.  It doesn't particularly bother my personality, but for a lot of women, it could be really discouraging/scary.  Reality's good...but I think we could present reality more positively than it often is.  For instance- tell a mom you were surprised at how busy one baby kept you...but that you found, say, babywearing to be a really helpful tool.  Or to remember on the hard days that nurturing life is what counts the most.  I didn't get comments like that.  Instead, I heard lots of the "you just wait and see" type, similar to your (comment) or things like, "Well, your (attachment parenting) ideals are fine and everything, but when you have 2, you're going to need a baby swing."

Reality is good.  But we can present reality positively.  Reality is hard....but it doesn't have to be ugly, miserable and negative.  Hard can be positive and beautiful!  We can find ways to express the difficult without tearing down other moms or slashing their ideals/goals. 

And yes- because I didn't listen to all the voices, I've had to eat my own words a time or two.  I bet seasoned moms have gotten a kick out of it and I got a lesson in humility.  But far better that than to have listened and set myself up for misery. 

I don't understand why so many moms choose to be so negative about young moms' ambitions/dreams.  I've wondered before if it has anything to do (at least sometimes) with personal insecurites and guilt...and all the pressure that gets put on moms.  Maybe it's because of the dog-eat-dog society moms have built, and all the pressure they get to be everything (WHAT? you don't let your kids finger paint everyday?  You SPANK?  You DON'T spank?  You don't cook everything from scratch? You sinner.).  There's always one more thing we aren't doing, one more person who appears to have it all together or has gone that "step further".  So, overwhelmed, they desperately hope that everyone else fails, too.  And that comes out in negativism and seems an attempt to scare other moms.  I really don't know, I'm just taking a stab in the dark (well, not totally....from conversations and working through friendships, I've gathered as much from some).  And in light of that- I don't want to heap guilt on older moms, either.  I don't want you to feel guilty anymore than I want S---- to feel discouraged and torn down.  But the negativism has got to stop somewhere.  I've never shared my frustration directly with someone before, so I hope it comes across the right way.  Telling other moms they're just going to screw up and that they'll get a good dose of reality soon enough doesn't help the new mom and it doesn't help the "wiser" mom to parent better either.  All the comparisons and everything else....it just needs to be tossed out.  Altogether. 

I think we moms need balance.  We need honesty- so very badly- and permission to be honest.  We also need positive, uplifting encouragement.  We need to be told that our ideals are beautiful.  That we're beautiful and reaching for the highest goals in our journey is beautiful.  That mothering is worth it.  That sleepless nights don't last forever.  We need others to share the beautiful moments in their journey....the sweet memories of tandem nursing, the times when their little one is just too precious to pull your eyes off....  And, on the other hand, we need a safe place- to be honest when life isn't roses.  A place where we can feel vulnerable and weak, and discover that every mom's been there, too.  Tearing down a new mom's dreams, though, isn't going to make you that safe harbor anyway- it just isolates us from each other- it either sets up a new mom for failure, or encourages her to disengage, to make it on her own.  We don't need to scare other moms....we just need honesty.  To be able to say, "I love my kids....but today, I'm really struggling.  I really just want my own body for 5 minutes!"  And if other moms, instead of wondering what the heck is wrong with her (or, worse, going on the "I told you so"), could say, "yeah, been there too.  Thankfully, it doesn't last long!  You'll get through- I'm here with you!"

Wouldn't that be beautiful?  I know I'm still working on my journey to achieving that.  I still have a lot of work ahead of me- I'm a rather bold, confident, say-it-like-it-is personality.  My personality has positives and negatives....I'm definitely still working on flooding grace. 

If we could all just forget our differences.  Feel adequate in our mothering because of the encouragement we're receiving, rather than because we've found ways to bring people down.  If we could remember that each mom is doing her best in her season (season!  that's a whole nother aspect to a lot of parenting choices....like cloth diapering).  That each mom is making educated decisions....and that even if you, say, don't attachment parent, you are still trying to do what you think is absolutely best.  And if, even though I disagree, I could appreciate you for that, and encourage you on the difficult days anyway. 

I want all moms to feel safe and secure.  I want them to feel confident in who they are as mothers.  And I want young, ambitious moms (all of us, actually) to be able to dream away and be encouraged and spurred on- to be given advice with love and encouragement...from other moms who are being encouraged and able to feel confident that way instead of via tearing others down. 

It's a difficult walk- but we could create community, and make it a beautiful one.  One that's not done alone, each mom desperately hoping she can be "good enough" or prove that she really can do it....or hope that someone else really can't.  Let's not walk it alone, and let’s not make it out to be scary and miserable just because we have rough days, when we KNOW it's beautiful.

An Excerpts From Timothy's Journal {just 'cause he's so cute}

 Hmmm....I originally turned the picture....and I didn't think that looked right, so I left it as is.  Then uploaded it, and I'm thinking I should've turned it.  Oh well.  The cheeks are big and the smile bigger no matter which way you look at it!

My sweet baby boy is 22 lbs and counting!  I love you, love you, love you!  And so does everyone else….you have THE most adorable smily expression.  You get so excited when someone looks/smiles at you that you grin ear-to-ear and throw your head back, squealing and giggling all the while.  So, so sweet!  You love interacting with people- even strangers at the park.  And you give me the most innocent smile when you’re supposed to be falling asleep.

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Viviana loves playing with you, and you adore her.  She gets lots of toys out for you…and she loves going in to you when you wake up and laying next to you, laughing and talking together. 

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You’re becoming quite the grabber!  You’re really good at grabbing stuff, even toys (‘cause we all know mommy’s stuff comes first!) and pulling them up to your mouth to check out.  You’re so cute exploring your world. 

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It’s hard to get over your happy personality.  I wouldn’t even necessarily label you as super content (though much more so than Vivi) but just such a happy personality.  Doesn’t matter what’s going on or what time of the day….you always have a smile.  If you start to fuss on the floor, a smile lights your face as soon as I pick you up.  You just have this upward energy- a constant presence of joy.  Even when you wake up in the middle of the night from teething pain, you smile and laugh at me.  You snap out of a bad/crabby mood in an instant.  And such a chubby smile….I’m in love.  I’ve wondered if several aspects to your personality are all interrelated.  If it’s your upward energy/enthusiasm that causes you to not like to be still- you prefer that mommy’s always on the move when I’m holding/wearing you, you’re such a wiggler, and you love scooting around and rolling when on the floor.  It’ll be fun to see what you’re like as you grow older!

An Excerpt From Vivi's Journal {the story of sleep continued}

...And my sweet baby is growing up….we’ve struggled with putting hours a day into getting you to sleep and back asleep since you were born.  And sometimes it’s become frustrating, and I looked forward to your being more independent in that department.  Sometimes I wished you would just fall asleep quicker so I could get on to the next thing- or so daddy wouldn’t have to spend the whole evening with you.  But now, you are changing- and it’s a bitter sweet change.  I’m happy to see my little sweetheart growing in her independence, changing and molding into a beautiful little lady.  And honestly, it’s convenient that it doesn’t take an hour to get you to sleep at night.  But it’s kind of sad to realize you’re no longer a baby….you’re growing up.  The past 5 nights in a row you’ve put yourself to sleep.  (Naps you still need me to stay with you, when they happen- which is about 4-5 days a week.)  We had recently started talking about trying to work towards getting you independent and after I nursed you in bed for 10 or so minutes, having daddy wait a few minutes before going in to see what you did.  5 nights ago on a particularly exhausted night, you fell asleep on your own.  Since then, we’ve been putting you to bed a bit late, making sure you’re really tired, so we can create a new pattern.  And every night, you’ve peacefully fallen asleep on your own.  One night, I heard you talking for a couple minutes…but you soon fell fast asleep.  Crazy.  Sleep has been such a journey with you, Little Love….to think that it’s taken another huge leap in becoming easier and more independent….I’m not quite sure what to do with it yet.  It makes me happy, and it makes me ache.  My baby isn’t a baby anymore….she’s growing up.  My heart feels ready to burst when I come in to bed each night, and see you curled up on your bed on the floor next to ours.  I’m so grateful for the journey….grateful for the opportunities every day to snuggle with and walk you.  Grateful we let you develop independence on your own.  Grateful we didn’t give up and try out cry-it-out (even though I was tempted a time or two).  Grateful daddy played such a huge role in it all.  Grateful you feel so secure, and that it was such a gentle, natural, sweet transition.  (well…assuming it was a transition and we’re in this for real!)  In spite of the challenges, I’ll always remember fondly the years in which I spent hours walking and nursing you….and daddy spent hours laying with you.  God gifted us with such a beautiful little girl, and Vivi, you’ve taught me so much and brightened my life in so many ways.  I love you, Viviana!...

On an aside: Ben and I are really loving having evenings together again!!!  When it takes an hour or so to get Viviana to sleep, we're usually both pretty zombie-ish by the time Ben gets out (esp. since he gets up super early every morning and I get up early).  All week we've had time together where we both feel more or less awake.  Cool!  Even though it is bittersweet...  The creative wife I've been wanting to be and haven't been very good at lately seems to be returning- hopefully to stay.  ;-)   

Gratefulness; or, the rare gift of an attachment-parent husband

Parenting instinctually is important to me.  Really, really important to me.  And I am so blessed to be married to a guy to whom it’s also important.  Ben is constantly encouraging me to follow my instincts, even when it isn’t an issue that feels like a big deal to him as a guy. 

There’s the fact that every night, we split ways for the first part of the night.  Because Timothy starts the night in a twin bed across the hall from us (so as not to disturb Vivi who’s on our floor), and I couldn’t feel comfortable leaving him in there alone, even with a monitor- and it wasn’t making sense to move/wake him to our room.  Mentally, I knew he would be fine and we were close by….but I just couldn’t make myself feel comfortable with that.  And unlike most guys, who’d just tell their wives that obviously the baby would be fine and someone would hear it, he said “I’ll sleep in the extra bed in there, and bring him to you when he wakes up.  It’s not a problem; I can sleep anywhere.”  He assured me that I should follow my instincts, and if I wasn’t comfortable leaving him alone, then one of us should be in there.  And it works for us…I don’t worry, we all fall asleep quickly, and by midnight, if not long before, we’re all in the same room/bed together.  (And as a side note, no, it doesn’t damage our marriage.  On the nights we all start in the same bed, we all still just fall asleep.  By the time we get there….we’re tired.   You can ask Ben if you don’t believe me…but we do get lots of snuggle time after kiddos go to bed and before we do!)

Or there’s calming my concerns about our kids’ development.  Not real concerns….I’m totally confident that they’re both developing normally, and are intelligent, active kids.  I’m also confident that the way we parent them is best for them and meeting their needs.  But at a few points, when I started to wonder if Timothy, like his big sis, would be “behind” kids developmentally, I suffered from brief self-doubt.  Is it really our parenting style that causes them to be behind?  Please, I don’t want to have to deal with explaining to people that yes, Timothy, too, is over a year and still not walking.  And um, yeah, no, babywearing isn’t hurting him.  Or….?  But Ben jumps in and reminds me of what the real focus is: What’s best for our kids?  So maybe because they’re with me so much they won’t move as soon, because they don’t need to.  Does it matter? Their emotional needs are being met; they’re being grounded in our love and growing up securely; they’re developing their muscles as they enjoy partaking in my life.  The golden standard isn’t what society tells me it is.  Just because the baby who’s left down for hours a day is crawling at 5 months, doesn’t mean that’s what everyone needs to shoot for.  And if Timothy’s 8 months before it happens…who cares?  He’s developing normally, and he’s SO happy, secure, and confident.  That’s what matters….and Ben reminds me. 

Or the way he’s encouraged my breastfeeding journey.  When I’ve gotten discouraged with nursing aversion issues with Vivi, he didn’t just say, “Well, then, why don’t you just wean her if you don’t like it?”  Instead, he sought to find out what my goals were, and how he could help me reach those goals.  At one point, that was taking over nighttime parenting so I could switch to just nursing during the day.  At other points, it’s just been encouraging me to keep on…and encouraging me that it’s okay and I’m not a bad mom to struggle with the hormonal baggage of tandem nursing.  But he never told me to quit crying about it, or reminded me that I “asked for it”. 

Ben lets me parent by instinct everyday…and as he supports my gut feelings, he also goes by his.  It’s a beautiful pattern- a beautiful way to parent together.  I love being so in sync with each other on our parenting journey!  I’m so thankful to have the rare gift of a husband who’s as passionate about natural parenting as I am…a husband who’s gung-ho for meeting our kids needs and parenting naturally, rather than putting me in a “choose me or them” position.  Together, we can seek what works best for everyone, instead of the pressure being put on me to choose between instinct and marriage, for instance.  I’m pretty confident I’ll never have to say, “Well, Ben really wanted (such and such), so we’re working on that.  It’s hard, but it’s what he wanted, so….I guess it’ll all work out.” 

Thank you, Ben, for supporting your crazy, passionate wife as we parent two awesome kids with plenty of challenges!

Transitioning to Two part 3

(Read Part 1 and Part Two if you missed them!)

-Balance your to-do lists, ambitions, and day-to-day household demands with a focus on your babies. They won’t be babies for long so enjoy them as much as possible. And don’t let other stuff become such an “idol” that you become stressed and frustrated with your loved ones. You probably will- I have- but make it a goal not to, anyway! :-)

You know the point about getting stuff done early in the day? I’ve had to sacrifice it a bit, lately…improvise our schedule. Because we’ve had gorgeous weather and I have a little girl who would live outside if she could! Certainly, it’s okay to tell her “no”, but I want to cultivate a love of the outdoors in her, and I know it’s healthy for all of us. So, while we do still get some stuff done in the mornings, there have been some days I’ve quit before it’s all done so we can enjoy an hour or two (or more) outside before naps…and then, if naps occur, I spend that time doing my usual stuff. That’s okay, too, because my babies are my priority…so as long as I’m not getting stressed, we’re all good.

Oh- and in your routines/schedules/to-do lists, make sure there’s lots of times allotted for interaction with your babies and general childcare. It’s amazing how much time you spend nursing and changing diapers, especially in the first couple months! There were days when it seemed like that was all I did, especially since Vivi was still nursing a lot at that point. It takes a lot of time…but before you know it, seasons will change!

-Babywear. Of course, I had to mention that one, right? It really is awesome for everyone involved, though. Babywearing the baby allows you to continue to interact with your toddler and/or tackle jobs. Babywearing the toddler while the baby sleeps down lets you get snuggle time in while playing catch up. It’s easier than finagling a double stroller, or trying to hold the baby while chasing the toddler at the park. You’re already stretched thin enough it can be hard to make all of your marks. Babywearing allows you to multi-task, and that always gets a thumbs-up!

Lots of moms mention how much babywearing soothes their fussy baby- that when baby’s fussy, they can pop them in and continue with what they were doing. I haven’t experienced that, but I’m pretty sure it happens, so there’s another benefit. Babywearing has greatly helped soothe my babies, it just requires concentrated effort, too. :-) But, with one who needed to be worn 24/7 and another who has gone through different periods of needing to be worn a lot, only sleeping while worn, only falling asleep while worn, etc., babywearing has definitely saved my hide, even if it hasn’t been as much the problem solver as it is for some mamas.

-While we’re on the subject, consider tandem wearing! If you’re already well-acquainted with babywearing, the idea of wearing both kiddos probably won’t sound foreign or extreme to you at all! :-) If you’re totally new to babywearing, you should read some of my informational posts and jump in- and it’s okay to start with just one.

Tandem wearing was awesome during the first 2-3 months. Since then, I’ve only done it on occasion, when Vivi’s having one of those days where she just needs up. Timothy’s settled into taking naps in a bed at different points, so I often just wear Vivi when he’s down on those days, too.

But the first few months. Totally effected how smoothly our transition went. It was so healthy for all of us! I tandem wore daily from as soon as I could handle the weight for the first couple months. Usually we went for a tandem walk for 20-30 minutes. Usually at a time when Vivi needed me desperately, Timothy was fussy and I was having a nervous break down because oh my gosh, the house is messy. Tandem wearing meant that everyone got to feel the skin they desperately needed; getting outside got me away from what was stressing me and allowed me to re-evaluate my priorities while enjoying two content kiddos.

It really helped Vivi to know she wasn’t replaced, and that she still had as much access to me as needed. Even if you decide not to tandem wear, I strongly recommend staying open to continuing to wear your toddler- it’s definitely blessed us!

-While we’re tucking about being weird, tandem nursing was another huge transition help. I already shared in detail about our journey and the joys and challenges here. Tandem nursing helped us immensely with the replaced feeling, too, as well as being another way to calm everybody down and give everyone a piece of me- while getting away from the stuff I was working on. Breastfeeding Vivi has allowed us to carry on a special relationship, as we make certain times of the day that are just for us- or to tandem, if Timothy’s around. She loves it! We don’t tandem as often anymore, since Vivi’s main nursing sessions are at sleep times or quick sips when she gets hurt, but during the first few months, again, we did. Vivi wanted to nurse almost every time Timothy did, so I let her. She did consume less “real” food for a while, but never lost interest in food altogether, so we were good with it. In the meanwhile, I ate like a horse. I was a little afraid of “tandem” tandem…because from what people said, I thought maybe it would be harder than it looked. Fortunately, that wasn’t the case for me. Vivi’s old enough to get herself latched on however she has to, and Timothy’s pretty flexible, too. I won’t say every time’s been perfectly comfortable…plenty of times when kiddos were just popped on, it wasn’t the greatest for my back or nipples, or something….but it always worked. Now, Vivi always brings me a pillow when she wants to nurse with Timothy- so cute!

-Laugh. Because there are so many beautiful things- so many funny things- so many wondrous things- and you’re going to forget them so fast. But if you make time to enjoy them, they’ll be forever imprinted in your memory. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to look back on the little years and just remember all the hard times. It’s okay to remember them, to help other mamas get through them. But I want those memories to be sprinkled with so many laughing ones that I’d like to go back. And so far, that’s true. I haven’t been perfect, there’s days I wish I could change. But I have so many hilarious memories and beautiful memories. I wish I could remember them more clearly; they all fade so fast. What I do know, and will remember in the years to come is, we’re having a great time. Through the ups and downs, life is good.

-Summing up a few things I hit on somewhat in the above: remove yourself from stressful situations to give kiddos touch time and ensure your toddler (and baby, for that matter, but that’s less likely) is getting enough of you. That’s why tandem wearing and nursing worked so well for us. It might not for you- your toddler might not be interested in nursing at all, for instance. The real message is, make time to meet those needs. Take time to get away from a stressful situation before it boils over. Take time for both your little ones. It’ll make a huge difference in everyone!

-Evaluate causes of toddler’s misbehaviors. For instance, general transitions, lack of sleep (related to transitions?), not getting enough of you, feeling overwhelmed or displaced, being hungry or thirsty, etc.

As a parent heading in a direction of “gentle parenting” (so to speak), I believe many misbehaviors are connected to a deeper root problem. One that might be easily solved, and possibly isn’t even the child’s fault. I know that isn’t always the case…for instance, Vivi’s done a lot more limit-testing lately, and it’s seemed to stem from growing up- gaining maturity, discovering the world and her own mind, and seeing what she can and can’t make happen. As best as I can tell, it isn’t because of a need that isn’t being met…although at the same time, I don’t feel like it’s exactly purposeful badness, either.

I had a lot of issues with Vivi the first couple months after Timothy was born, and it was obvious that they were generally related to the transitions in some form or other. Knowing that helped me to be more patient (and less despairing!) in dealing with her. For instance: she would purposely defy me, all the time, especially when I couldn’t get up to remove her. But I knew it was just an outlet for all the confusion with the new changes. Another example: she went through a streak of purposely hitting Timothy. Now she’s an angelic older sister, except when she’s tired- and then she’ll purposely try to hit him- but only if I’m in the room to see it. It’s a pretty good key she’s over tired, and it’s time for bed!

Seek to understand your toddler, and the potential changes they’re working through. Remember, they don’t have the social knowledge to know how to let out their feelings!

-Take care of yourself- especially remember to eat and drink enough! A friend of mine has mentioned before that sometimes when she feels exhausted, and consequently overwhelmed, spending a few minutes drinking a couple of huge glasses of water makes a big difference. Suddenly, she feels energized and ready to conquer again! I haven’t noticed it to such a drastic degree, but in smaller ones, yes. It’s important to take care of yourself, mama! I’m easily headache prone if I don’t drink enough…and not eating enough can fall into the same category. If you’re nursing- and especially if you’re tandem nursing- you have to eat. A lot. It takes a lot of food to keep everyone running.

Don’t be afraid to allow time for you, too. Sometimes a shower or something simple enables you to be a much more joyful mommy.

-Prepare your home and kitchen before #2 arrives! I blog about some of the ways I prepared here. Having a head start on your home- like meals in the freezer, deep cleaning done, and regular cleaning kept up on- will put you off to a great start!

-Stop….and drink it all in. Oh, drink, Mama. Because life is beautiful, and yet fleeting.

-Allow grace. Grace for you. For your husband. For your babies. For your home. Grace to cover not getting it all done, not being all, not holding it all together, loosing your cool. Grace to cover your toddler on his tantrum-laden day, your growth-spurting baby. Grace for your husband and the needs that seem so obvious to you, but which he simply doesn’t see. Grace for other moms who don’t quite have it all together either.

If only I was better at putting it into practice- all of it….life would be much more beautiful!

-It’s okay to use cheats. There were certain things I decided I would cheat on the first couple months to make life easier. One specific one that stands clear in my memory (because I agonized over it for days before deciding! :-)) is store bought dressing. I figured if I just bought dressing and didn’t have that one extra step, we’d be likely to keep eating salads. Somehow…it just feels like so much more to make dressing. So for two months, we ate store bought dressing. We made through, all alive and all in one piece (so far!)….and less stressed for it.

Depending on what your lifestyle is (how much you cook from scratch, etc.), figure out what you can compromise on for a while, and run with it. I have a hard time with this one….feeling like, if I know something’s not as good for us, why would I feed it to us? But I’m aware….that stress isn’t good for us either. If it’s choosing between store bought dressing and stress- I’m for the dressing all the way.

~*~

Well…that sums it up- for now! Long and rambly, like everything I write. ;-) Rock on, Mamas!

Our New Wrap!

Last week, I bought a new wrap....a size 4 Didymos petrol fishies. It was instant love when I tried a friend's petrol so when I saw one on FSOT on The Babywearer, we decided to snag. Because I could spend forever trying to decide what my 2nd wrap will be. This one's perfect for summer- being shorter and super lightweight. Yay for summer wrapping!

Let's just say....it's hard to say who of the three of us (kiddos and I) like it best. Everyone loves it. And in the week we've had it, it's seen way more love than our co-sleeper ever did in the 2 years we've had that. (sold co-sleeper, bought wrap...methinks it was a good trade-off.)

All smiles, snuggled with mommy....

Mission accomplished....who wouldn't fall asleep in such a soft, cushy wrap? (not that Timothy always falls asleep, or ever falls asleep easily, but....)

Pic from a different day....evidence of another time fallen asleep (that time on my back)...then plopped down on mommy's bed for optimal nap potential.

Vivi loves the wrap! She kept looking at it and feeling it and spreading it out....

And smoothing it over her lap....

First time wearing it, a few minutes out of the box....and after spending 5 hours walking around at the zoo with Timothy....but we were so excited to try it on. Vivi loved getting to go first!

Vivi loves getting wrapped! Since she's so much older, she's so easy....she just lays there still and snuggles into my back. Fun! The other day, she asked me to "wrap! back!" when Timothy was asleep... ;-)

Transitioning to Two part 2

(Read Part One and Part Three if you missed them!)

-Every season is very fleeting. It’s amazing how fast time flies! Even as I write this, racking my brain and drifting back to the first couple months, I can’t believe how many seasons we’ve gone through. The season of recovering from birth- not being able to move around and (ouch!) having to rely on everyone else for almost everything. Dealing with Vivi’s outbursts and “purposeful” disobedience as she figured out how to handle the changes. Exhaustion and severe hormone headaches. Nights of pacing the floor till 11. The sweet season of spending all day long cradling my baby. The season of having two little ones who couldn’t walk. And so many more seasons.

Every time something hard seemed like it would stretch on forever- change was just around the corner. Every time I thought I finally had Timothy pinned and a routine that was working for all of us…change was inevitable. Every time I was enjoying a new stage of one of the kiddos- change was about to happen. My head spins when I think about just how many changing seasons we’ve been through in the past 4 months. It’s incredible to realize it’s only been four months, and yet our routines and life and struggles and triumphs have changed so many times!

I remember Mom saying that after 6 or so weeks, the baby balances out so much. Sometimes, in a lonely 11 o’clock moment with a fussy baby who didn’t want anything I could offer, that sounded like a long time. But it was over in a flash- and one day I realized, “Wow, he’s so changed. He’s not a newborn.” Of course, your newborn might be very content and go-with-the-flow and fall asleep easily, in which case you can hope the first 6-12 weeks last a long time! J (At least, a whole lot of people claim that’s the case…)

-Plan your day ahead. Meal plan. Proactively accomplish your to-do list early in the day. Make lists and stay organized. I thought about making different headings for these topics but they overlap so much, we’ll just do one long one. I’m pretty sure this is the single most important “tip” for me, the thing that makes our days run smoothly. Yes, we have our long days, our rough days, our tired days, our teething days. But by and large, and with many thanks to these strategies- our days run very smoothly. They’re relatively relaxed, the essential to-do list gets completed, and we have time to enjoy the beautiful moments.

*As a small aside, it’s possible the reason this helps me so much is because it melds so well with my personality. I’m production-oriented, I also like lists. I like to tackle things immediately, and can not, for the life of me, enjoy leisure when I know more stuff lies ahead in the day. Even though it’s one of my biggest things, it might not help you at all…because you might find it really relaxing to cook or clean or whatever while littles nap in the afternoon.*

Here’s why I love using all these tips (and below you’ll find a bit more space devoted to the different categories, and what exactly I do): A newborn’s fussy period is most likely to typically fall between 4-8pm. Smack-dab in the middle of most people’s dinner prep. Plus, late afternoon is also when other kiddos are most likely to be cantankerous and through with the day. Plus, especially after long nights, I’m tired. And, for us, Ben gets home from work between 3-4. Plus….I like having my day all wrapped up early. Also, right now, Vivi usually has at least 1-2 days a week when naps don’t happen (b/c it’s really hard to coordinate her naps with Timothy and get everything to align perfectly enough for long enough!). For quite a while, it was 3-4 nap-less days a week. On days when she does nap, I often fall asleep with her for 10-15 minutes (having gotten Timothy to sleep and put him in a bed while working with Vivi), and then get woke up by Timothy. With only one kiddo, it can slow the afternoon down- or I might be fully occupied, if Timothy isn’t feeling fully-rested. If one or both don’t nap, they’re really cranky and need lots of extra attention and love. Not a good time to try making dinner, especially under the deadline of needing to have it done by a certain time! And if they do both nap, together (1-2 hours), which currently happens about once every other week….delicious. With everything done, I get to indulge- in writing, extra sewing, quiet activities, etc. It’s fun every once in a while! J If it happens to be a day I got behind in, I play catch-up. If the kids had a fussy morning, I use nap time for normal stuff, if we get a nap time. And that’s okay too.

If your kids take consistent naps, and if you like spending that time doing your day-to-day stuff and/or making dinner, have at it! I just don’t like the idea of using up quiet time that way…and I know what happens when I try to accomplish stuff while kiddos are crabby- and it’s not pleasant. That is to say, I’m not pleasant.

Due to typical fussy time, waiting till 4-5 to start working on dinner prep is kind of begging for trouble and stress and all sorts of things you don’t need in your house! So- meal plan! Each week-usually towards the end of the week, since right now my shopping trip happens on Saturday, when the vehicle’s available- I jot down a menu plan. I might even spread it out over a few days so I can just fill in an idea when it comes to mind, instead of actually having to brainstorm. If that fails, I’ve also just put together a list of all our current meals, which gets added to as we add new dishes….it’s so helpful when I’m brain-dead!

My most productive time of day is usually from 6:40 (when Ben leaves for work) to 10:30, give or take. We tackle the day, and then we’re done. Sometimes we work on projects all day, it just depends. I like to be busy and productive, so if I’m not extra tired from a long night, and the kids aren’t either, and we’re still able to fit in plenty of breaks for play and going outside, then we keep the whole day rolling. But in general, getting the productive stuff done early allows lots of time for extra stuff….extra things with the kids, extra/optional to-do items, etc.

I usually write out general to-do lists for the week, and more specific ones for each day. I divide it into “essential” items (regular cleaning, cooking, etsy orders etc.) and “non-essential” (bigger cleaning projects, flexible cooking ventures, extra sewing, and so forth). We run through the essential items and I do other things if I feel like I want to be more productive, have extra time, the kids are having an unusually great day, etc. That keeps everything balanced and manageable- usually! I’ve also made it a habit to write things I want to do with the kids on my to-do lists, to make sure they happen. Remember, I’m a task-oriented person. If I don’t watch myself, I could easily not make fun play a priority. So “going outside” or “reading books” gets put on the to-do list. Makes me feel more productive, too! :-)

-But, on a completely different note, start your life with two out with really small expectations! You’re not superwoman, don’t expect to act like it. The above has been, more or less, our routine for the past few months. But the first 6 weeks? Nah. We cheated, we did minimal, we ate from the freezer. We read stories, we nursed, we changed diapers, we adjusted. The end. That’s okay too….different seasons for different things. Expect in the early weeks - and in difficult seasons (teething, illness, pregnancy, etc.) – to be relatively unproductive- to just meet the basics.

As you get back into the swing of things, start small. Add one thing at a time. First day you plan to grocery shop with the kiddos? Make that your only to-do list item. Plan plenty of time for changing diapers, packing diaper bag, nursing, doling snacks, loading the van, possibly repeating some of the above activities, getting there, shopping, getting home, unloading, caring for kiddos, etc. Your first trip it really might feel like an exhausting and daunting task! I remember my first trip, when Timothy was 2 or so weeks old. I remember feeling like I was clumsy and in everyone’s way as I kept readjusting Timothy in the sling in attempt at making him happy while maneuvering the cart and trying not to hit anyone or go to slow. I remember searching for a partially-empty aisle so I could get Timothy into a nursing position and fight with him for several minutes, trying to get him to latch on. Neither of my newborn’s have liked shopping- Timothy still doesn’t. It’s too hard to time it just so perfectly between sleep needs, especially when one is unpredictable and doesn’t take a long enough pre-shopping nap! I remember breathing a sigh of relief when we were back in the van again, out of everyone’s way. And that’s with a toddler who loves shopping (LINK: http://fountainlove.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-daughters-enthusiasm.html) and consequently, is quite angelic!

If you need to be somewhere at a certain time, you might do well to pack your stuff well ahead of time and start getting ready to go 30-60 minutes beforehand. You never know how many times you’ll have to nurse and change diapers before you’re actually out the door!

-Freezer meals. Have freezer meals on hand. At all times. I prepped a bunch prior to Timothy’s birth, but I always like to have a handful of options on hand, and plenty of meal starters, too. I accomplish it simply by making double or triple any time I cook something that would do well in the freezer and/or be easy to do extra of. No extra dishes, and only a bit of extra time, and home cooked meals on the rough days become possible!

Another possibility is to generally cook enough to eat something for two dinners in a row, instead of freezing it. I prefer to vary our day-to-day diet (usually), plus I often use leftovers for lunches. However it works for you, I’m a strong advocate of cooking for more than just one meal!